How to Play Dungeons & Dragons Properly

1. Make sure to have every Dungeons & Dragons book
ever written, so that you can pore through
even more irrelevant information than usual
while you look up rules.

2. Have several pencils, because
they will all break after hours of writing changes
in your character’s health.

3. Have a d100 die, because it looks cooler than a d20.

4. Make sure the Dungeon Master doesn’t know
how the game works, as that will make their scenarios
even more entertaining.

5. In order to continue, pass an investigation check.

6. Give your character a really setting-inaccurate name,
such as Punch Johnson IV
or Gronk.

7. Make sure at least one player
has a Paladin for their character,
as Paladins are contractually obligated
to make really hilarious, poor decisions.

8. If there is lightning in the setting,
climb to the tallest point
around while wearing full metal armour
and carrying large metal weapons.

9. Be a gnome.

10. If a friend chastises you for being a nerd,
roll 1d4 in order to determine
the damage of your retaliatory punch.

11. If there are no NPCs named Bradley,
or some variant of that name,
immediately quit the game
and never play with that Dungeon Master again.

12. Or, alternately, immediately change the name
of your character to Bradley,
or some variant of that name.

13. Make sure your character can only speak a
really obscure language, such as Infernal, so that
no one in your party can understand them.

14. If you encounter a vampire,
make sure it sparkles
before trying to fight it.

15. Drink at least five energy drinks before the game,
so that you cannot focus
on anything that happens while you play.

16. After several hours’ play,
find an axe,
and fight the orcs in your yard.

17. If you find a skull in a box, take the skull;
it will become your party’s mascot if you do.

18. If you have a girlfriend or boyfriend
who thinks that D&D is nerdy,
force them to watch you play;
they’ll love it.

19. Fly into hysterical sadness as the character
you so lovingly made and played
is so frustratingly murdered
when the Dungeon Master rolls a natural 20.

20. Consume roughly five pounds of chocolate
before rolling up a new character.

21. If a wizard is trapped inside a sealing circle,
immediately free them, so that your party might enrage them
and get themselves killed.

22. On that point, if you manage to kill
your entire party in this manner,
you are an amazing Dungeons & Dragons player.

23. If you kill your entire party by freeing a wizard, then die
by climbing a tower in the middle of a lightning
storm while wearing full metal armour, then you are
an even more amazing Dungeons & Dragons player.

24. If you are a gnome paladin, named Bradley,
and you kill your entire party
by freeing a wizard, and die
by climbing a tower in full metal armour
in a lightning storm,
then you are the best Dungeons & Dragons player in existence.

25. Once the game is over for the day,
sleep for a week
until the next game starts;
you’ll need the rest after the caffeine wears off.

26. And, above all, don’t forget to brag about
how you killed your entire party
if you manage such a feat.
Writing about it in a satirical Fearblog
is a great way to commemorate such an event.